


Libertine (Jahvie) (ON HOLD)

by asotmGee



Category: Blood On The Dance Floor
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Betrayal, Self-Esteem Issues, Smut, Suicide Attempt, Trust, keeping secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 16:26:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11085423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asotmGee/pseuds/asotmGee
Summary: Things make a dramatic turn for the worse for Jayy when he is tested as HIV positive. He has lost all his friends and is forced to leave his home, away from his abusive step-father. When be begins to think that all hope is lost for him, a friendly stranger named Dahvie takes him under his wing, giving Jayy a place to truly call home. However, as Jayy begins to learn more about Dahvie, he discovers that he's not the only one that's truly damaged.





	1. Find Your Way

“I’m very sorry, but...the test results came back positive. Jeremy--er, no...Jay...you have HIV,”  
Those words echoed over and over again in my mind after that cursed visit to the clinic. They played in my head endlessly when I came home and was thrown out of that same cursed place by my step-father Jim. And now, standing all alone at the Golden Gate bridge, those same words are still haunting me, playing in my head on repeat like a broken record player. It’s not that I liked living with Jim anyway; he’s an abusive piece of shit that can rot for all I care. It still boggles my mind how my mom could ever find a man like him attractive. It’s too late for her to turn back now, though. Jim would kill her if she left him, and he made a promise about it. But now that he’s kicked me out for having this disease, I have no place to go. The few friends I had have left me for one reason or another, and I don’t know where the nearest homeless shelter is, if there’s one here in San Francisco anyway. There probably isn’t, knowing that there’s plenty of homeless people out in the streets. Besides, who would let me stay with them anyway? I’m a faggot that’s HIV positive, and it was all thanks to the one and only man I used to sleep with. Garrett gave me this disease, and because of that, I curse his name in my head much more now. First he left me for a woman, and now he has tainted my body with this stupid disease, no longer able to sleep with anyone of my choice, and likely to die soon. The HIV won’t kill me though, because I won’t let it. I am going to take my own life, jumping from this bridge.  
“Fuck…,” I muttered under my breath, looking down the long way from up here to the water. That really is a far drop. I’d likely die within a matter of minutes if I make this jump, if not seconds. I’ll likely get injured from the impact of the fall upon my weak body before drowning in the massive body of water, my body never to be found. Just imagining what will soon happen to my body after this fall honestly freaks me out a bit. I remember not being very fond of heights, but I know it’ll be all over soon when I make this jump. I breathed in deeply and closed my eyes as my hands clutched the railings. I could feel the sting of tears come to them a bit. I shouldn’t be crying, though. Would anyone miss me anyway? Maybe my mom. I can only imagine how much of a disappointment I am to her. Her one and only son is gay and has HIV because he slept with the wrong guy one too many times. I have no one that I could call friends of mine, so that’s out. The rest of my family either doesn’t care for my existence or dislike me because I have a preference in men rather than women, and because of that I’m a sinner and a heathen to their sky daddy. I really am all alone, and I will die that way. As I readied my body to swing over the railing and jump to my death, I felt myself shake and sweat profusely, my heart in my chest beating rapidly. I am actually gonna do this. I just need to do it already, because as I’ve said before, it’ll be all over within minutes, hopefully even seconds…  
I suddenly stopped. I hear something near me. It sounds like footsteps. I’m not alone here like I thought I was on this time of night. Who the hell comes to the Golden Gate Bridge at three in the morning, besides homeless people passing by? I can’t have anyone around me when I kill myself. I don’t want some person that thinks he’s a hero to save me. I sighed in annoyance, turning around to see what asshole decided to intrude on my suicide. When I got a good look at him, I realized he was definitely not some average Joe. He looked far from it. He didn’t look homeless either; not with the kind of hair he has. He’s kinda short for a guy, and has the kind of hair someone in their little emo or scene phase has--dyed multiple colors and teased. I can’t even begin to imagine how much hairspray and god knows what else he uses to get it to stay in place. He’s wearing what appears to be a long black trench coat, along with an AFI t-shirt, skinny black jeans, and combat boots. This guy definitely doesn’t look like someone you’d see on a casual day. He looks a bit older than me too, like college age. Why is he here anyway? I hope it’s not for the same reason as me. That would be a waste...  
“Nice view, huh?” the guy asks, stopping to stand next to me, looking out at the nighttime view of Alcatraz ahead of us, a dim dot of a light from the lighthouse illuminating the island. “I’ve toured Alcatraz before. Real creepy shit, y’know?”  
“Oh, uhh...y-yeah,” I stuttered, my heart still beating faster than the normal and my body shaking a bit. It could be from earlier when I was ready to off myself, though. I wish this guy would just leave so I could get on with it. It looks like he’s got better things to do than talk to a HIV positive loser like me.  
“You okay?” the wild-haired man suddenly asked as he turned to me, his eyes with green contacts looking at me with concern. “You’re shaking,”  
“Oh...y-yeah, I’m fine,” I lied. This guy just wasn’t buying into it, though. I can see it in him. Am I really shaking that bad? I can’t be.  
“I don’t think so. Come on, let’s walk. You need it,” the man said, stepping ahead of me and prompting me to join him.  
“N-no thank you. I’m fine,” I shook my head. He needs to leave already. All I wanna do is be left alone so I could die that way.  
“No you’re not. Far from it. Something’s wrong. I think you need someone to talk to. Please?” the stranger asked. I felt my heart come to a stop. He knows what I’m trying to do, and he’s not gonna leave til I change my mind. He’s not gonna let me kill myself. This guy actually cares, whoever he may be. I sighed deeply. I guess I’m not gonna do what I planned on doing tonight, and it’s all thanks to this short guy with outlandish hair.  
“Okay,” I said, joining the man. We slowly walked down the sidewalk near the railing, our hands in our pockets. The man that pretty much just saved my life smiled at me, his green eyes glowing in the darkness of the night.  
“What’s your name?” he asked me.  
“Jayy,” I replied simply, even though that really isn’t my name. Jeremy is my birthname, but for reasons I can’t quite point out, I hated that name and preferred to be called Jayy. “You?”  
“I’m Dahvie,” the man replied. Dahvie? What kind of name is that? There’s no way that is his birthname. Maybe he’s in a similar situation and prefers to be called Dahvie rather than the name he was given.  
“Oh, uh...nice to meet you,” I said shyly. I laughed to myself a bit when I looked at his abnormally shorter height compared to mine. I’m not that tall for a guy; I’m five foot ten, but Dahvie looks to be around five foot five. I can only imagine how much shorter he is without the combat boots he’s wearing.  
“You too, Jayy,” Dahvie smiled, which quickly went away and turned somewhat serious. “Anyway, Jayy...what are you doing out at this time of night?”  
Fuck. What do I say? That’s what I should be asking him. What would anyone be doing out at the Golden Gate Bridge at three in the morning, besides trying to kill themselves? He saw me all shaken up so earlier. He’s gotta know what my intentions were...I think. What if I’m wrong, though? There’s no point in lying. Dahvie does not look dumb. I know that.  
“I...I was trying to…,” I stuttered, my heart beginning to beat fast as my body perspired and shook again.  
“Trying to what?” Dahvie asked.  
“To...to kill myself,” I blurted out, my insides turning to jelly. Dahvie didn’t look shocked, but definitely not pleased by what I just said. He looked sad and forlorn, shaking his head as he sighed deeply.  
“Too many people come here to do that. I just don’t get it; it’s too beautiful here,” Dahvie said as he turned to face me. “Just like you, Jayy,”  
Stunned by what Dahvie just told me, I felt my whole life be put on pause, my heart stopping and butterflies fluttering in my stomach. He called me beautiful. I don’t think anyone’s called me that, not even Garrett. I wasn’t beautiful to him. I was nothing more than his sex toy. I just met this stranger in the midst of my failed suicide attempt, and...he called me beautiful. I smiled a bit, hoping he won’t notice.  
“Thank you…,” I replied, hating that my voice is cracking from the tears coming from my eyes. Oh, no. He can’t see me cry...he just can’t.  
“Hey, it’s okay. No need to cry,” Dahvie smiled sadly. “I just hate to see you go out like a teenage tragedy. You’re to beautiful to do that to yourself,”  
“I know, it’s just that...no one’s ever called me that,” I replied, cursing to myself for crying in front of Dahvie. He must think I’m some kind of wuss.  
“Really? Damn, some people are blind, I swear,” Dahvie laughed a bit. He then turned back into serious mode. “Do you mind me asking why you wanted to kill yourself?”  
Oh no. What do I say? I am definitely not gonna say that part of the reason why is because I was tested HIV positive. I don’t want this guy to run away from me knowing the disease I have. I can’t afford to push him away from me. The rest I guess is okay. I just hope the doesn’t pity me too much after I tell him. I hate it when I’m pitied.  
“Well...I got kicked out of my step-dad’s house, and I don’t think I’ll be let back in. I’ve got nowhere to go,” I said reluctantly.  
“Really? I’m sorry about that,” Dahvie frowned. “Why were you kicked out?”  
“It’s...it’s hard to explain. We pretty much got into this huge fight, like we always do. We never got along,” I said, only speaking half of the truth. I really never got along with Jim since day one, and we do fight a lot, especially when he’s had too much to drink. And we did get into a fight when it was revealed to him that I have HIV, and it ended with trashed furniture and me being told to leave and never come back. At least I don’t have to deal with him anymore.  
“Oh, I see. It’s okay if you don’t wanna go further into detail. I totally understand,” Dahvie said. “Do you need a place to stay? Do you have any friends so you can crash at their house?”  
“Honestly...I don’t. I don’t really have any friends. Everyone picked on me in high school,” I replied truthfully. I never had one friend in high school, because all that were there bullies and bigots that picked on me constantly, and that was the reason I dropped out when I was a senior.  
“Seriously? Those people were assholes, Jayy. I was the same way. Everyone in school picked on me for being...well, different. I’m glad those days are over,” Dahvie laughed a little.  
“Yeah, same here,” I nodded in agreement. When we eventually crossed the bridge, we both sat down at a bench near a parking lot overlooking the ocean, the moon shining down on us. I looked over at Dahvie. I still haven’t figured out why he’s out this late at night. It shouldn’t hurt to ask, should it? “Hey Dahvie, can I ask you something?”  
“What’s that, Jayy?” Dahvie turned to me, smiling.  
“Why are you out here this late?”  
“Oh, that? I just am not a morning person. I come out at night and sleep during the day. Just like a vampire, you know?”  
“Oh, okay,” I said. I hate mornings too…  
“Can I ask you something, Jayy?” Dahvie suddenly asked after a moment of silence.  
“Yeah, what is it?”  
“Since you have no place to go...how about you come stay at my place for a while? I live in an apartment in downtown San Francisco,”  
My jaw nearly dropped to the ground. Dahvie is offering me to stay with him after we just met? I can’t accept that. Not only because we barely know each other, but because I’m not worthy enough. As much as I hate Jim, he was right. I am not worthy for shelter. I am not worthy for anyone. I am too ugly. I am worthless. I am sick, too…  
“I...I don’t know if I can...I’m sorry,”  
“No, Jayy. Yes you can,” Dahvie said, his voice firm, yet still caring. “You said you have nowhere to go. I’m not gonna let you stay out here in the streets, let alone the streets of San Francisco. I want you to be safe, Jayy,”  
I looked down and sighed deeply. I suddenly felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. Someone does care for me. I am not all alone. I suddenly don’t want to die anymore...because there’s someone on this planet that gives a shit about me. My life is worth living. This man I’m sitting next to wants me to stay alive, and now I want to be alive...and I’m willing to stay with him at his apartment.  
“Okay, Dahvie. I’ll stay with you,” I said. Dahvie smiled and patted me on the back.  
“That’s it, Jayy. Come on, let’s go. You must be tired,” Dahvie said as he stood up. I followed him, walking with him to his car. We both got in and made our way there as some kind of electronic dance music played from the car’s radio. As I looked out the window of the car, I pulled it down and stuck my head out, letting my black hair flow in the wind. I smiled as I closed my eyes. Thanks to the man right next to me in the car, I now have a reason to live. I’m not scared anymore. I am free.


	2. Dark Dreams

After driving for about fifteen or so minutes, we arrived at Dahvie’s apartment. It’s a simple brick building with four floors; nothing too fancy, but not run-down either like many of the buildings in some parts of San Fran. We got out of the car and made our way up to the third floor to room 309, where Dahvie put his key into the lock and opened up the door.  
“Well, here we are,” he said, walking through the door with me behind him. I looked around, seeing nothing off about the place; aside from the band posters all over the walls and Hello Kitty memorabilia scattered around the apartment, it looks like nothing out of the ordinary, and welcoming. Dahvie turned to me, smiling a little. “You want something to drink?”  
“Water’s fine,” I replied, to which Dahvie exchanged me a weirded out look.  
“You sure? I have more than just that, like beer. I can mix something for you,”  
“Nah, I don’t drink. I’ll just stick with water,”  
“Okay then,” Dahvie shrugged, walking to the kitchen down the hall. After a few minutes, he returned with a glass of water and a bottle of Bud Light. He handed me the water as I sat down on the sofa, and Dahvie joined me as he opened up his beer and took a sip.  
“Thank you,” I said as I drank my water.  
“Mhmm,” Dahvie nodded. I looked around the room we sat in, examining the various band posters up on the walls, from Bob Marley to Metallica. My eyes suddenly stopped on a framed photo up on the wall. It’s a picture of a younger Dahvie, maybe by a few years or so. He’s with a woman in the picture, and even though I prefer men, the this blonde-haired lady that’s with Dahvie in the picture looks stunning. They look so happy smiling in the photo. Who is she, Dahvie’s girlfriend? If so, they’re both so damn lucky to have each other.  
“Hey, Dahvie. Can I ask you something?” I said, setting down my water on the coffee table in front of us.  
“Yeah, what is it?” Dahvie replied, taking another swig of his beer.  
“Who’s that lady in the photo with you?” I asked, pointing to the photo up on the wall above the T.V of Dahvie and the blonde haired lady. “Is that your girlfriend?”  
Dahvie didn’t respond to my question. He just looked down at his feet, his face looking sullen. He clearly has sad memories with whoever that lady is in the photograph. I felt a pang in my chest. I cursed to myself for upsetting Dahvie. Why did I have to ask Dahvie that? I’m such an idiot!  
“I’m sorry, Dahvie,” I apologized, my voice frantic. “I didn’t mean to--”  
“No, it’s okay,” Dahvie said, cutting me off. “Not your fault,”  
“Are you sure? I didn’t meant to upset you,”  
“No, it’s fine. It’s just that…,” Dahvie paused, his green contact eyes still looking down at the ground. “That woman in the photo with me was very special to me,”  
“Oh...really?” I said reluctantly. I shouldn’t be talking anymore. I already made Dahvie unhappy. Something bad must’ve happened between Dahvie and this woman, knowing that he’s talking about her in past tense.  
“Her name was Rebecca. I met her a few years back, and...she was my whole world to me,” Dahvie said, looking up at the photo on the wall. “She used to live with me in this apartment. We were inseparable. We loved each other so much...but something terrible happened to her…,”  
“What?” I asked.  
“It happened more than a year ago. I even remember the date. June 26th. She...she got into a car wreck, and she didn’t make it...she was killed almost instantly,” Dahvie said shakily, his voice trembling with tears as his eyes watered up. “I didn’t even have the chance to say goodbye to her…,”  
“Oh my god...I’m sorry about that, Dahvie,” I said genuinely. I barely know this guy, but it hurts to look at him with tears in his eyes. Rebecca meant so much to him, and she was snatched away from him. Life is just not fair at all.  
“It’s okay, Jayy. It’s not your fault,” Dahvie said, wiping at his eyes. “I know she’s in a better place, and she’s looking down at me. I have a good feeling that she’s happy that I picked you up and stopped you from offing yourself. I did the right thing,”  
“Yeah, Dahvie. I think you’re right…,” I smiled a bit, telling the truth. I am happy he stopped me from jumping off that bridge. If I had done it any sooner, I would’ve never met this awesome guy next to me. I may barely know him, but I already think he’s a cool guy...and he cares about me.  
“You’ve got that right,” Dahvie smiled. He suddenly leaned forward towards me and wrapped his arms around me, taking me into an embrace. It was so unexpected that I nearly jumped in my seat, but I loved how it felt. I returned the favor and wrapped my arms around Dahvie, the two of us holding each other. We held each other for what seemed like hours rather than minutes, and goddamn it, it felt good being held by the one and only person that cares about me. I breathed in the scent of cologne and hairspray on him and smiled. He’s so warm. I wish that he would never let go of me…  
“You getting tired, Jayy?” Dahvie asked, whispering into my ear. I nodded as I yawned. It is about time I call it a night. Too much bullshit has happened to me. I need to rest.  
“Yeah, I am,” I replied as we separated.  
“I figured. You do look tired, but you’re in luck. You can sleep on the futon from the couch,”  
“Alright,” I said as I stood up, letting Dahvie take the cushions off the couch and pull the futon bed out of it.  
“I’ll go grab some blankets and pillows for you,” Dahvie said as he turned down the hall to the closet to grab linens for me. “You want to borrow some clothes from me to sleep in?”  
“No, it’s fine,” I said, not wanting to come off as too needy. I only sleep in my boxers anyway. I peeled off my shirt and pants, setting them aside. Dahvie then returned with a pile of pillows, blankets, and sheets, and I swear he nearly dropped them when he got a good look at me, his mouth agape and and eyes wider than the usual. He is so checking me out. I know he is. Dahvie’s cheeks blushed as he laughed off being hot and bothered.  
“Oh...well, uh...here’s some blankets and pillows for you,” he said shakily, failing to hide his blushing face. I took the pile of linens from them and set them down on the futon, another yawn emerging from me. I need to go the fuck to sleep.  
“Thanks. I think it’s about time I crash,” I said, lying down on my bed for the night. “What are you gonna do...y’know, since you said you stay up at nighttime?”  
“I dunno, Jayy. Maybe watch something on Netflix,” Dahvie shrugged. “You need anything before you pass out?”  
“No, I’m fine. Thank you, though,” I said, getting under the covers.  
“Alright, then. Sleep well. Goodnight, Jayy,” Dahvie replied as he walked down the hall, leaving me alone. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I could feel myself grow more tired. I closed my eyes, my consciousness fading to black.

_ _ _  
“Get on your knees, Jayy. This cock isn’t gonna suck itself,”  
I wake up to find that I’m not in Dahvie’s apartment anymore. I am instead somewhere else, somewhere I know I’ve been to before. I recognize that voice too. I look up to find Garrett towering over my body that’s on the floor. He’s smiling as he held his cock in his hand, his pants pulled down to his knees. I gasped. I shouldn’t be here. Garrett left me for someone else? Why is he asking me to suck his dick?  
“Come on, Jayy. Don’t leave me hanging. S my D, baby,” Garrett said, inching closer to me. I shook my head and backed away. I don’t love Garrett anymore. Not after what he’s done to me. He gave me a terrible disease I know will claim my life one day.  
“No, Garrett. I hate you!” I screamed, feeling my blood boil. Garrett glared at me, his eyes full of bitterness and anger.  
“You son of a bitch. Get your ass back here, you fucking faggot,” he growled, to which I shook my head again. I got up and made my way for the door, just to have the locked knob slide on my hand. I felt my heart stop. I am stuck here. How did I get here, though? I don’t care. I need to get out of here!  
“Stay away from me!” I yelled as Garrett walked closer to me. I ran past him and tried to open up the windows, just to have them not budge. I felt the blood drain from my face. I really am trapped here…  
“Come on, Jayy. You know you want this,” Garrett smirked devilishly, charging up to me and grabbing a fistful of my black hair before I could get away. I pushed, shoved, and fought, but to no avail. I am too weak. I am helpless. Garrett threw me onto his bed, my body weak and suddenly unable to move, no matter how much I struggled. I looked away in disgust when I saw Garrett strip down to his bare ass. He’s got a nice looking body, but I don’t find it attractive in the slightest. I don’t know why I ever did in the first place when I dated him. When he lunged forward towards me, I screamed, unable to do anything to stop him.  
“Let go of me! Get away from me!” I begged as Garrett held my shiftless body down, his own climbing on top of it. I screamed and cried at the top of my lungs as I learned just what he wanted to do to me, his groin grinding up against my entrance…

_ _ _  
“Jayy! Jayy, wake up!” a familiar voice above me yelled. I opened my eyes and screamed, backing away from whoever was just trying to wake me up. I suddenly froze when I realized that Garrett was no longer near me. It was all some sort of fucked up dream about what Garrett used to make me do when he wanted to get his dick wet…  
“D-dahvie?” I said shakily, my whole body trembling from what I just experienced in that dream as I looked a concerned Dahvie in the eye. He looks terrified for me, just like how I’m terrified from what the fuck I was forced to look back at.  
“Oh my god, Jayy...are you okay?” Dahvie asked, reaching forward and putting a hand on my shaking shoulder. I sighed deeply, trying to regain myself. It was all just a dream…  
“Yeah, I’m fine...I’m fine,” I replied, my voice shaky with tears. Fuck, I can’t cry. Not again. I’ve already cried one too many times in front of Dahvie. He’s cried in front of me, but he had a good reason to do so. I don’t. I am such a pussy…  
“Don’t cry, hun,” Dahvie said, taking my shaking body into his. That’s when I let it all out, disobeying Dahvie and crying my soul out. I am weak. I am pathetic. I am dirty. I am sick.  
“I’m sorry, Dahvie...I’m--”  
“No. Stop it. You have nothing to be sorry for. It was just a bad dream. You’re safe with me,”  
“I hate him, Dahvie. He hurt me. He--”  
“Shhh,” Dahvie whispered, carding his fingers through my hair. “Don’t speak anymore. Nobody’s gonna hurt you, Jayy. I won’t let that happen,”  
My eyes widened. Did I hear him right? He told me he’ll protect me. He told me he won’t let anyone hurt me. I haven’t known Dahvie for a full twenty-four hours, and he’s sworn to keep me safe. Besides, I know Garrett is no longer a part of my life. He left me after he used me as his fuck toy for long enough, but it’s clear as day that he still haunts me and my dreams. He used me. He raped me. He gave me this illness that’ll kill me one day. Now here I am with someone that says he’ll protect me from people such as Garrett. I smiled and leaned onto Dahvie’s shoulder as he held me. I am safe. I feel that way around him.  
“You gonna be okay, Jayy?” Dahvie asked, separating himself from me.  
“Yeah, I think so,” I sniffled, my eyes raw with tears.  
“You don’t look like it. You look really shaken up. How about if I lay with you?”  
I bit my lip after I heard what Dahvie just said, my chest constricting by the weight of his words. I really don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t mind him sleeping with me, but...am I really that much of a shaking mess right now? I guess I am. I wanna be able to get a decent amount of sleep, and if Dahvie can help me with that, then so be it. Besides, he looks pretty good for a guy. It’s a shame he isn’t into men, or at least it seems that way…  
“Okay, that’s fine,” I smiled, scooching over to let Dahvie lay down next to me. We both got under the covers, our bodies so close to one another. He smells so good and feels nice close to mine…  
“Beware of one thing, Jayy. I do tend to snore, so don’t hesitate to wake me up if I’m snoring and it’s bothering you,” Dahvie laughed.  
“It’s fine. I’ll manage,” I laughed back, my eyes unable to look away from the man next to me in bed. I yawned, my body begging me to go back to sleep.  
“I’ve got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, so I’ll be gone for a while. You can help yourself here,”  
“Thanks, Dahvie. What’s the appointment for?” I asked, curious.  
“It’s...it’s hard to explain, and it’s personal. Sorry,”  
“No, it’s fine. I understand,” I shrugged. There’s no need in pressing the matter of why Dahvie has to see a doctor. I yawned again and shut my eyes. “Night, Dahvie,”  
“Night, Jayy. See you in the morning,”  
I smiled as I fell asleep , feeling not only comfortable, but safe. I know Garrett can’t hurt me anymore. I trust Dahvie to keep me safe and away from people like Garrett. I know it sounds foolish to trust someone this soon, but I can feel Dahvie sincerity in the vow he just made to me.


	3. Lovestruck

“Good morning, sunshine. The earth says hello,” a familiar voice whispered into my ear as I slept on the futon, my body under a mass of blankets and sheets. I opened my eyes to find Dahvie smiling down at me, his hair now full of different colors than last night. Yesterday his hair was red, teal, and yellow, and now it’s a neon green and pink, and is still straightened and held up with loads of hairspray and other hair products. He also has makeup on his face, made up with eyeshadow and eyeliner, amongst other things. He’s dressed in his trench coat and combat boots from last night, but is now wearing a shirt that says “IDGAF” and another pair of black skinny jeans. His eyes were different too, glowing a robin egg blue instead of green. I can’t imagine exactly how much time Dahvie takes to get his day started. I do not have that kind of patience and dedication like he seems to have. I don’t think him getting himself prettied up is really necessary, though. I think he looks good no matter what. He just looks that amazing...  
“Hey, Dahvie,” I mumbled, rubbing my sleepy eyes as I sat up in bed and yawned. I actually feel different today. I feel refreshed. I feel like I slept good, something I haven’t been able to accomplish in a while. Did it have something to do with the fact that Dahvie slept next to me? Maybe…  
“Did you sleep okay?” Dahvie asked.  
“Yeah, I did,” I replied truthfully. “How about you?”  
“Slept great, thank you,” Dahvie said as he sat down next to me on the futon bed, still smiling at me. “So I have to go to a doctor’s appointment. I’m gonna be gone for a while, but I should be home by three, if not later than that. There’s food in the fridge and cupboards, so you can help yourself. Sound good?”  
“Yeah, that’s fine. What’s the doctor’s appointment for?” I asked out of genuine curiosity. Right now it’s almost ten, and assuming that Dahvie makes it to his appointment within the hour...he’d be gone for four hours. I hope it’s nothing serious.  
“It’s...it’s kinda personal,” Dahvie said defensively, his voice faltering a bit. He got up to his feet and grabbed his car keys, looking like he’s itching to get outta the house and away from me. “Gotta go, Jayy. See you later. Call me if you need anything. My number’s on the coffee table,” he said as he walked out the front door and shut it, leaving me alone with my unanswered questions. Whatever this doctor’s appointment for must be indeed very personal to him. I’d still like to know, considering this appointment is supposed to be about four hours long. I guess all I can do is hope that it really is nothing serious, like I’ve told myself before.

_ _ _  
I spent the next few or so hours watching movies on the flatscreen with Dahvie’s Netflix account, wondering to myself what his four hour doctor’s appointment could possibly be for. He looks healthy for his age; the only things that’s remotely off about him is his slightly overweight and short body. I guess it’s really not my business if Dahvie doesn’t wanna talk about it, but for some reason it just kept eating at me. As I took my scheduled pills for the symptoms of my HIV, I looked around for clues relevant to the appointment. My eyes suddenly came across a small calendar hung on the wall next to the fridge--on every other day there’s a D marked on the boxes of the days. Today is the fifteenth of September, and on the box it is marked with that D. The sixteenth isn’t, but the seventeenth, nineteenth, and so on are. What’s the D stand for? Does it have something to with Dahvie’s appointment? Maybe. Maybe not.  
The front door opened down the hall, and Dahvie stepped through it and landed right on the sofa, his body sprawled and fatigued-looking. He moaned under his breath and looked up at me as I walked to the living room where he was. He definitely looks exhausted, his eyes tired and body limp.  
“Hey, Jayy,” he smiled, his body still laid out on the sofa as he looked up at me. “How are you? What did you do while I was gone?”  
“Watched some movies on Netflix. How was your appointment?”  
“It was alright. It wore me out though, as you can see,” Dahvie yawned. “I’m gonna crash pretty soon and get some sleep. You might be asleep by the time I wake up,”  
“Maybe. I do tend to stay up pretty late,” I said, wondering if it wouldn’t hurt to ask exactly what Dahvie’s appointment was for. “What kind of appointment did you have? Why did it wear you out?”  
“It’s hard to explain, Jayy. There’s a better time and place for that,”  
“Oh, alright,” I shrugged, feeling kinda disappointed that Dahvie won’t tell me anything.  
“Come on, Jayy. Come lay with me,” Dahvie said, patting an empty spot next to him on the sofa.  
“Okay,” I laughed, obeying Dahvie and lying my body next to his on the sofa, up close and personal to him. He giggled and laughed when he looked at me, his smile genuine and warm. I laughed back with him, even though we didn’t exactly have anything to laugh about. I looked into his blue eyes as he looked into my hazel ones with no contacts. Just seeing him makes me smile and feel all warm inside. I haven’t felt this way before, not even around Garrett, and it’s good that I didn’t. Dahvie doesn’t rape people that don’t wanna have sex with him. Dahvie isn’t someone that haunts my dreams with his existence. He’s better than that...a whole lot better than that.  
“What you looking at?” Dahvie asked playfully, ruffling my hair in one of his hands.  
“Nothing,” I lied, trying to not make it obvious that that is what I was doing. I don’t want to make it look like I’m falling for him easily. I can’t even fall for him at all; I have HIV. The last thing I wanna do is taint him with this fucking disease. I know he doesn’t deserve that. I don’t even think he deserves me…  
“You’re a bad liar, Jayy,” Dahvie smirked as we both sat up. “You’re the worst I’ve seen. I know that look in your eyes,”  
“What look?” I asked dumbly, trying to make it look like I was not doing what he thought I was. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I really am a bad liar…  
“The look you’re giving me right now. You’re blushing, baby…,” Dahvie whispered in a seductive tone as he continued to smirk at me, one of his hands suddenly touching my thigh, slowly running up and down it. He gave it a soft squeeze, sending chills down my spine. I honestly don’t know how to react. I can feel my chest constrict again, my heart in my chest pounding and racing. I like what he’s doing...but is it right for him to do this to me? It isn’t. I am forbidden from it. This disease I have can hurt Dahvie, something I wish to not do to him at all. I need to tell him to stop, as much as I don’t want to. It’s only for his own good.  
“D-dahvie,” I stuttered, at a loss of words. I need to speak up. I need to tell him no. “I don’t know if we should be doing this…,”  
“Do what, Jayy?” Dahvie asked softly, his hand slowly running up from my knee to my inner thigh, still squeezing it.  
“I-I...I don’t….,” I replied shakily, my voice trailing off. I know this is wrong...but why doesn’t it feel that way? Dahvie is just so hard to resist, and I barely know him…  
“Don’t what, Jayy?” he asked, his face inching towards mine. I felt my whole around me explode when he suddenly kissed me, his thick lips colliding with my quivering ones. His lips taste so sweet and are soft against mine. I moaned, closing my eyes and returning the favor. There’s something that tells me that a part of me has been wanting to do this for a while…  
No. This definitely is wrong, even if it doesn’t feel that way. I can’t let Dahvie do this to me. He deserves better than me, like how he was with Rebecca. He doesn’t deserve HIV scum like me. I pushed Dahvie away, quickly getting up to my feet. Seeing the heartbroken and confused look on his face was too much for me to bear.  
“Jayy, what’s wrong?” he asked, following me as I ran to the front door.  
“I’m sorry, Dahvie...I can’t do this. It’s just…,” I said, at a loss of words once again from what I just let myself do. I am pushing away the one and only person that cares for me.  
“Just what? I’m sorry, Jayy. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have--”  
“No, it’s not your fault! Just...just forget about me,”  
“No, Jayy! Wait--” Dahvie yelled before I rushed out the front door, leaving him behind. I felt hot tears come to my face as I jolted down the stairs and out of the apartment, running like a bat out of hell. I am all alone again. I deserve no one.


	4. Unchained

I ran like hell away from Dahvie’s apartment until I swore my lungs were on fire. I cried the entire way, hot tears running down my perspiring face. I need to run to somewhere far away, somewhere where Dahvie could never find me. I just pushed him away. It was best for me to do that to him, though. I deserve no one, and that’s something Dahvie should know, even though I never told him why, and I never will. I will never see him again, or anyone else for that matter. No one should be around me. I am sick. I am scum. I am worthless.  
I stopped at a tree in a park, feeling my whole body collapse from practically running a marathon, the green grass cool against my skin. I laid there and unleashed my soul, crying into the ground. I don’t think I’ve cried this hard in a long time. I pushed away the one and only person that has had an ounce of care for me, and now he’s gone. He’ll never find me. I really am alone. Maybe I should go back to the Golden Gate Bridge and just get over with killing myself. But I don’t know if I can. There’s something deep inside me that keeps telling me no. Something inside my mind is telling me that suicide is not an option. I don’t recognize it. It wasn’t there last time when Dahvie found me, and it wasn’t there all the other times I attempted to end my life. I think I know what it is. It’s Dahvie’s voice telling me not to jump from that fucking bridge. I don’t know if I can obey that voice, though. How can I stay alive when I just pushed away the only person that cared for me? How can I stay alive when I know that this disease I have will one day kill me? It’s all futile. It’s all meaningless. I am gonna do it this time, and it will work. I got up to my feet and began to walk fast to the bridge, even though I knew it would take me awhile to get there from here. As I did, I felt something behind me, something bright. I turned around to see a set of headlights coming up from behind me. The car they belonged to began to slow down as it came closer to me. I walked even faster, almost running. I know who’s in that car that’s following me. I can’t let him catch up to me. I can’t--  
“Jayy!” a familiar voice called out from the car. “Jayy, stop! I’m sorry!”  
“Go away! Leave me alone!” I shouted back, still keeping up with the pace of my fast walking. “I don’t deserve you!”  
“Bullshit. You did nothing wrong! It’s my fault! I’m sorry!”  
“No!” I yelled as I began to run, only to have Dahvie’s car speed up to me. His car swerved around me and stopped, cutting me off from the path ahead of me. When I tried walking around, he just backed up and pulled forward, trapping me. I cursed under my breath, annoyed and fed up with Dahvie’s stubbornness. Why can’t he just leave me alone?  
“Jayy, please stop,” Dahvie begged. “I take back what I did. I didn’t mean to make you feel--”  
“No, you don’t understand, Dahvie. I don’t deserve you! It’s best if I leave. It’s for your own good,” I said, just pleading with Dahvie to just leave me the fuck alone.  
“What are you talking about? What makes you say that, Jayy?”  
“I can’t talk about it. It’s best if you don’t know,” I said, hoping in the back of my mind that he doesn’t try to push the reason out of me. I need to get away from him for good, as much as I hate the thought of it. “Just leave me alone,”  
“No. Not til you tell me why you think you don’t deserve me. I’m not letting you go. Please, Jayy. You can tell me anything. I’m not gonna judge you no matter what. Not to be on a high horse about myself, but...I’m just not that kind of person. I care about you, even though we haven’t known each other for that long. Please, Jayy. Just get in. We can talk. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I am not letting you go. I don’t wanna see a perfectly good life go to waste,”  
I sighed deeply. Dahvie’s right. He is not gonna give up. I’m already blocked from my path by his car. If I were to run off, I know he’ll just follow me. I guess I really have no choice now. I have to go with him. He’s that dedicated. I haven’t seen anyone go out of their way so much for me. If only I could say I was worthy enough for this person. It’s like Dahvie doesn’t care if I’m this low of a person. He fucking cares no matter what…  
“Goddamnit,” I blurted out, feeling my eyes water up and my face contort from the sting of them. I covered my face with my hands, letting it all out. I really am pathetic. Men aren’t supposed to cry this much and easily.  
“Please get in, Jayy. It’s gonna be okay,” Dahvie said reassuringly. He reached over and opened up the car door, waiting for me to get inside. Giving up and feeling like a failure, I did just that. Dahvie drove off as I sat in the passenger seat of his car, feeling miserable as I continued to cry. It’s futile. Dahvie just cares so much. I have to tell him everything.  
“I’m sorry,” I sniffled.  
“For what? You have nothing to be sorry for, Jayy...but please, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the shit out of me. Just tell me, Jayy. Why do you think you’re not worthy?”  
This is it. I’m gonna tell Dahvie the truth, one of the reasons why I hate myself. I’m gonna tell him my dirty secret that Garrett gave me. I am terrified, though. What if he pushes me away when I tell him I’m HIV positive? I really don’t want that to happen. It’s like a part of me trusts him, just like there’s parts of me that really like him, despite knowing him for only a day. I have to tell him everything.  
“Dahvie,” I started, my voice shaky. “There’s something about me you need to know,”  
“What is it?”  
“I...I have something. It’s serious,”  
“What?” Dahvie asked, his voice eager yet concerned.  
“I...I’m HIV positive,”  
Everything around us must have had a pause button on it. A stunned Dahvie next to me covered his open mouth with both hands. I finally said it. I told someone about my disease. Now nobody besides Dahvie and my parents know what is wrong with me. What is Dahvie going to do now? Is he gonna kick me out and want nothing to do with me? As much as I don’t want that to actually happen, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did that. I wouldn’t live with me.  
“Oh my god, Jayy...why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Dahvie asked, his voice shaky. “I...I don’t know what to say…,”  
“I was scared how you would react. Nobody else besides my mom and step-dad know I have HIV...and now you do…,” I replied, feeling my whole world around me go gray. “I was scared that you would...you know, reject me or want nothing to do with me,”  
“Jayy, I would not do that. I am not that shallow. I just wish you woulda said something sooner, but...I understand why you’d be reluctant to tell me,”  
“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling the tears return to me as I looked down in shame at my feet. That’s when I felt Dahvie next to me nearly tackle me, hugging me tight. It made me jump a bit because it was so unexpected. I didn’t even think that Dahvie would be willing to be this close to someone who has this disease I have. I was proven wrong.  
“You don’t need to be sorry for anything, Jayy. I don’t see you any differently than I do now. I don’t care if you’re HIV positive. You’re still that amazing person I met last night,”  
“Are you sure?” I asked, stunned by Dahvie’s words. “Do you really mean that?”  
“Yes, Jayy. I wouldn’t fucking lie about any of that. I still want you to stay with me. I can even put you on my medical insurance so you can get good treatment. I care about you. I want you to get help,”  
“Oh my god, Dahvie...are you sure about that?” I said, shocked by all Dahvie just said. He’s actually willing to go out of his way for me? He still wants me to live with him? He’s even willing to put me on his insurance? It almost seems too good to be true. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like Dahvie into my life.  
“Yes, I’m positive. I’m willing to do all this for you. You need it. Now come on, Jayy. Let’s go home,”  
“Oh...okay,” I said as we both drove off. As we did, I slowly smiled. I did something courageous. I opened up about my disease, and he was accepting and understanding of it. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am not scared anymore. I am unchained.


	5. All The Rage!

We both made it back to the apartment in minutes flat. I guess I didn’t run away as I thought I did. The entire ride home I just asked a single question in my mind--why me? Why does Dahvie care about me so much? Why is he always willing to go out of his way for me? He just told me he’ll put me on his insurance plan to help with treatment for my HIV. He’s also willing to let me fucking live with him. I just don’t understand. What did I do to deserve someone so kind-hearted and sincere like Dahvie? I’m nobody special. I’m just a regular old queer with HIV and self-esteem issues.  
Dahvie pulled into the parking lot of the apartment and stopped the car. When he did, he looked at me in a concerned manner, like he knew something was wrong with me. I smiled back at him to let him know everything was fine, even though in reality it was a forced smile. Everything’s not okay. In fact, it’s far from it.  
“Jayy, I’m not buying into your bullshit. What’s wrong?” Dahvie asked firmly as we walked to the elevator, his eyes on me.  
“I’m okay,” I said defensively. “Really, I am,”  
“I don’t think so. Something tells me you’re not alright. Come on, Jayy. Talk to me,” Dahvie replied as we went up the elevator, walking out of it and down the hall to his room, his robin egg contact blue eyes still on me as he put the key in the door to open it up. “I’m not that stupid. Something’s wrong, and you gotta tell me,”  
Fuck. There really is no use. He knows something isn’t right with me right now. He’s right; he isn’t that stupid. He’s gonna keep bugging me until I tell him what’s wrong. I sighed deeply as we both sat down on the sofa, reluctantly preparing myself to let it all out. I need to tell him how I really feel.  
“So...you now know that I am HIV positive, right?” I asked, to which Dahvie nodded. “And you’re one of the only people that know about it, but...I just feel like…,”  
“Like what?”  
“It’s...it’s really hard to explain,” I replied truthfully. How do I tell him? I guess there is no other way but to spill it out to him. I have to ask Dahvie. “Why?”  
“Why what?” Dahvie asked immediately.  
“Why do you...why do you care so much?”  
Dahvie seemed to take his time with what I asked him. He looked like he thought long and hard about it as we both settled on the couch. After what seemed like a while, he finally brought his head up, smiling a little at me.  
“Because I just do, Jayy. That’s why,” he said simply, leaving me with so many answers left unanswered. That’s not enough for me to work with! I need something better than that!  
“Why, though? Can’t you be a little more specific than that?” I asked with probably too much of a loud and desperate tone. I really have a hard time keeping my cool sometimes.  
“Because, Jayy...I couldn’t afford to let you kill yourself that time we met at the bridge. I would have felt guilty,”  
“Why, Dahvie? It wouldn’t have been your fault that I died--”  
“Yes, it would have been!” Dahvie said, raising his voice a little, looking rather tense. I cursed myself in my mind for making him that way. I didn’t mean to. I really am pathetic. “I saw you there trying to do...you know what. Something in my mind told me that I had to stop you. I don’t know what it was exactly, but I obeyed it. I couldn’t let a perfectly good life go to waste. You needed help, and that’s exactly what I’m trying to provide you with,”  
“But...why, Dahvie? Why are you going out of your way to do all of this for me?” I asked, wondering exactly what I did to deserve this treatment.  
“For fuck’s sake, Jayy! It’s because I care about you! Don’t you understand?” Dahvie replied loudly, making me jump a bit in my seat. “What more do you want me to explain? I fucking care about you because…,” he paused, losing his steam. “...because you’re too beautiful and too precious to die. Okay, Jayy? Does that explain enough for you?”  
I shouldn’t be asking more. Doing so will upset Dahvie, and I have no intention of doing that to him. He just cares for me. Why? Because he just does. It’s because I’m too precious to die, according to him. He doesn’t wanna see me go to waste. I still feel like there’s some unanswered questions though, like...again, why me? Why am I so special to him? Why am I too special to be put to waste? I’m nobody special. I’m just an insignificant teen with HIV. I guess I’ll never know all that, though. I’ve been told enough, according to Dahvie.  
“I’m sorry,” I said defensively, my voice quivering a bit. Dahvie sighed deeply, turning back to me.  
“Listen to me, Jayy,” he said, resting a hand on my thigh. “I’ll say it all. You are special, no matter what. I don’t care if you have HIV. That doesn’t make you any less of a special person. It’s just a fucking disease that you need to get help for. You are fucking special, Jayy. No matter fucking what. Don’t listen to what others say about you, or even what you have to say about yourself. You deserve to live. You have your whole life ahead of you. So what if you have HIV? It’s not a death sentence, Jayy. There are people with HIV that can still lead happy and healthy lives, just as long as they get the right treatment and support. I know we haven’t known each other for that long, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t care about you. You have no idea how much it would break my heart if you put your own life to waste. Please stay with me. I can help you. I want to help you. Just please...stay here with me,”  
I think I felt more than just blown away by all Dahvie told me. He spilled out his heart and soul to me. He really does fucking care about me. I felt my face contort from the tears coming to my eyes. Oh, great. Now I’m gonna fucking cry in front of him. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to hold it all back. I backed away and covered my face, feeling myself slip more and more as I cried and sniffled into my hands. I know he’s telling the truth. He fucking cares for me. He really does want me to stay with him, and stay alive. I know for a fact he’s being genuine about it. I can feel it. Maybe he is right. Maybe I still do have a chance at a decent life. The fact that he’s willing to put me on his insurance says a lot about how much he cares and wants to help me, and so much more he’s said as well, all of it sounding sincere.  
“I...I’m sorry,” I said, my voice quivering from all the weeping I’ve been doing.  
“Don’t be, Jayy. It’s okay to let it all out. No shame in that,” Dahvie said, smiling a little bit as he rubbed my thigh with his hand. I dried my eyes and tried my damndest to make the tears go away, but for the life of me, I can’t stop crying. I feel so weak.  
“Fuck,” I whispered under my breath. “I can’t stop, Dahvie. I just can’t--”  
“Like I said before, Jayy. There’s no shame in crying. You’re a real man for crying. I know society tells you otherwise, but...that’s not true. Real men show their true feelings. Real men aren’t afraid to cry,”  
“You sure about that?” I asked as Dahvie’s hand squeezed my thigh a little bit, making my cheeks turn warm and red.  
“Yeah, Jayy. Real men blush too,” Dahvie smirked, catching me red-handed with my cheeks the same color, making me feel flushed with embarrassment. First it was because of crying, and now I’m smiling and blushing like a dork in front of him. What the hell is wrong with me? I turned away to hide myself, but I know that Dahvie can still see me. It’s no use. He’s still giving me that smirk of his. He shook his head and laughed.  
“What?” I asked, awkwardly giggling a bit as I failed miserably to conceal my blushing cheeks.  
“You’re blushing, Jayy...like, a lot,” Dahvie laughed.  
“Yeah, so?” I snapped playfully.  
“I think I know what’s on your mind, Jayy,”  
“What, Dahv--”  
It was at that moment when I swear time itself was put on pause. Dahvie inched his face closer to mine, and his lips collided with mine, leaving me nearly breathless, confused, shocked, surprised, amongst other things. That was okay, though. I know why I was blushing, and it had a lot to do with the man kissing me right now.


	6. Siq With A Q

I can’t fucking believe it. Is this real life? Am I in some kind of strange dream? It has to be. Dahvie just fucking kissed me, and his lips are still on mine, kissing me longingly. His plump lips feel so good against my shaking ones. We kissed again and again with our eyes shut (who the fuck kisses someone with their eyes open anyway?). I could hear Dahvie moan under his breath, begging for more. I grabbed his head and ran my fingers through his hair as he leaned forward, pinning me to the couch as our kissing grew deeper and faster. I want more too. I just gotta be sure to be careful. People with HIV can kiss someone. They just can’t have sex, that’s all. It’s kind of a bummer that I’ll never get the chance to do something like that with someone like Dahvie, but it’s only for his safety. Even though he knows I have HIV, I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to give him this terrible disease I carry. He just feels so good against me, though. If only I had the privilege of fucking him if I didn’t have this stupid illness that’ll kill me one day…  
“Mmm, Jayy,” Dahvie moaned, his body still pinning mine to the couch. “You’re so warm,”  
“You are,” I smiled, our lips still kissing each other’s again and again. Dahvie sat down next to me, his arms still on me as we continued to kiss. We kissed for what seemed like hours rather than just minutes. I am loving every minute of this. The one and only man that cares for me is kissing me on the lips, and it feels so good. I don’t think I want this night to end. Actually, no. I don’t want it to fucking end at all.  
“It’s getting late, Jayy,” Dahvie whispered to me. I looked over at the time--it’s already past midnight. To me, that’s normally too early for me to sleep, but now that Dahvie mentions it, I’m starting to feel a little tired.  
“I’m getting kinda tired,” I yawned. We both agreed to get to bed since we both felt very fatigued. We pulled out the futon and both got under the covers after getting changed into our boxers. We immediately cuddled up against each other, gazing into one another’s eyes. I have a feeling that I will never get sick of looking at Dahvie’s, no matter what color contacts he has in. They’re a chocolate brown this time since he took out his contacts earlier, and they’re still so mesmerizing.  
“Are you warm enough?” Dahvie asked me, to which I nodded. It’s not the bed that’s warm. It’s the person in it with me.  
“I am. You?”  
“Of course,” Dahvie smiled, wrapping his arms around me. I laughed a bit as I returned the favor. “Good night, Jayy. Sweet dreams,”  
“You too--” I said before Dahvie cut me off, kissing me sweetly once again.

_ _ _  
I woke up the next afternoon with, unfortunately, no Dahvie next to me. I frowned a little, missing his presence already. Since I did sleep through the morning and into the afternoon, I’m guessing that he should be home soon though if he’s at another one of his appointments. I got up and walked all around the apartment to see if there was any sign of him, but there was nothing. However, when I walked to the kitchen, there was a note on the little dining room table. It was purple with my name scribbled on it. I opened it up and began to read it:  
Jayy,  
I’m at another doctor’s appointment. There’s some leftover pizza in the fridge for when you’re hungry. I’ll be home by four, if not later than that.  
-Dahvie  
Another doctor’s appointment? I should have known. I was right about those D’s marked on the calendar. They really are for Dahvie’s appointments. I know and understand that he needs them for a good reason, but why does he got to have them this often? I could’ve just asked Dahvie, but what are the chances he’ll tell me? Maybe he’ll say no due to it being very personal. I can’t just ask him now while he’s away. There’s a part of me deep down that’s dying to know the reason behind these frequent long appointments. I know what I’m gonna spend my day doing-- I’m gonna find out what these doctor’s visits are for. I know just where to start looking, too. I went into the bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet, finding quite a lot of pill bottles with someone’s name on it--David Jesus Torres. I can only assume that that is Dahvie’s real name. It sounds just about right, since Dahvie looks Puerto-Rican. I took the bottles and examined some of the labels, reading some of the names of the medication…  
Wait a minute. These look familiar. If anything, they do ring a bell for me, because I’ve seen the names of these medications before. I am on the same exact ones, just at lower doses. Could it be possible that, god forbid, Dahvie has the same terrible disease as me? It would explain the constant doctor’s appointments. Having HIV is a killer illness, and it should be known that it requires a lot of medical attention. This can’t be real. Dahvie can’t have HIV. I can’t even begin to imagine him having such an awful burden to carry. Maybe these are for someone else that I don’t know about yet? I put away the pills and walked back to the calendar for more clues. I noticed a number down on the bottom of it. It was labeled “North Star Dialysis” with a number scribbled under it. Is that what the appointments are for? Dahvie has to go to dialysis for his kidneys? It could be, since HIV can affect that part of your body. I backed away from the calendar, feeling shocked and devastated. Dahvie has HIV, just like me. If he really does have it, why didn’t he tell me anything?. Maybe he’s afraid of being judged by me. But why? I am going through the same exact thing as he is right now. But then again, I was scared and reluctant to tell him what I have. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t told me anything? I really don’t know. I can barely take in what I’ve just learned about the man that took me under his wing. He is sick just like me. He is suffering from the same exact illness as med. He’s damaged, just like me.  
I jumped when I heard the front door open. Dahvie is home. I can’t let him know I’ve been snooping into such personal business. I ran out of the kitchen and to the living room, hoping that he won’t take a hint of what I’ve really been doing while he was gone. Dahvie walked through the front door, his eyes looking tired and his whole body appearing to be fatigued. He landed right on the couch and sighed deeply.  
“Holy fuck, I’m tired,” he moaned into the cushions of the couch. His head turned to me. “How are you, Jayy? What did you do all day?”  
I felt a pang in my chest, unsure how to respond. What do I say to him? That I went snooping through his medication? I could say that I just slept through most of the day. That is what I really did after all, besides going through some of his personal business. I’m just hoping he buys my half-truth.  
“Uh...I slept most of the day,” I replied shakily, barely able to keep my cool, and it’s obvious Dahvie can see right through my charade, seeing the skeptical look on his face. Goddamnit.  
“What’s wrong?” he asked. What the hell do I do now? I can’t just keep lying to him, because from the looks of things, he’s not buying into it. How could I tell him the truth though? How can I tell him that I learned that he has HIV? I guess I have no other choice but to tell him. It’s better to always come clean and tell the truth anyways...at least, most of the time it is. Is he gonna get mad at me for looking through his personal business? Maybe. If he does, then I deserve it. I shouldn’t have looked. I now wish I was ignorant of the truth.  
“Dahvie...there’s something I need to ask you,” I said, taking a deep breath and preparing myself.  
“What?”  
“Dahvie...there’s something important I need to tell you,” I replied reluctantly, hating myself for what I am yet to do. I have to ask him though. I got myself into this mess, and maybe it’s best if I get the truth from Dahvie. “Do you...have AIDS?”  
There was a silence that grew between us, one so long and so profound that I swear I could hear a pin drop on the floor. Dahvie avoided contact from my eyes, staring down at the floor, his face blank and expressionless. It’s like I just triggered something inside of him, something I regret letting loose. I just wish he would answer me already though. I need to know, and his silence is killing me--  
“Yes, Jayy,” Dahvie finally answered. “Yes, I do have AIDS. How did you know?”  
Before I could answer such a question, I swear I felt myself nearly fall outta my seat. I felt a pang in my chest, my whole body nauseous, yet also on edge. It’s true. We both have the same disease. We’re both damaged beyond repair. I can barely grasp the situation at hand right now. Dahvie is just like me.  
“I...I…,” I stuttered, unable to explain myself. What do I tell him? That I went snooping through his medication? How else am I supposed to tell him? I should just tell him nothing but the truth. “I, uh...I got curious because you’re always going to these appointments, so...I...I went through your medication in the medicine cabinet,”  
Dahvie didn’t get mad at me like I feared he would. He didn’t even question what I’ve done. He just continued to look down at the floor, his eyes vacant. After what seemed like hours, he finally looked back up at me.  
“Well, now you know,” he said bluntly. “I’ve had AIDS for quite a while, long before I met you. I slept around with too much women, and that’s how I got it. I was diagnosed with HIV a few years back, and I must say...it’s kicking me in the ass,”  
“How so...if I may ask?” I said, wanting to know more, but also wishing I was ignorant of such bleak news of someone I care about having the same terrible disease as me.  
“You know those ‘appointments’ I go to, Jayy? They’re for dialysis. My kidneys have been failing me, and I have to go to these appointments every other day to drain the toxins from my blood. I also get sick a lot of long periods of time. A small cold could make me nearly fucking bed-ridden. My clock has been ticking, Jayy. I’m not getting any better. One day, my kidneys are gonna stop working entirely, and I’ll end up on dialysis indefinitely. Maybe that’ll stop working one day and I’ll end up croaking, if something else doesn’t fucking kill me, Jayy. I’m sorry to be so negative, considering you also have this fucking disease, but...it’s the sad truth. AIDS will kill you one way or another. Only people that are lucky are able to live long lives with it, and I’m clearly not one of those people. I can only hope you are, Jayy….I’m sorry,”  
I felt my heart sink into my stomach when I saw how forlorn Dahvie looked. He looks so defeated, like there was once a sliver of hope he had and it was crushed right in front of him. Just seeing him like this, devoid of any hope and happiness, is so hard for me to watch. I suddenly found myself standing up and walking towards him, sitting down with him on the couch and wrapping my arms around him. He needs it badly. He can’t be fixed, but at least someone can be there for him. Dahvie didn’t react much when I hugged him, but at least he was accepting of it. He needs to know that he’s not alone. He needs to know that we’re in this fight together.


End file.
